For those that do not know, I started seeing a psychologist last year for issues stemming from anxiety that seemed to start to exacerbate once I stopped using tobacco. Since then, I have realized not only did I dip to mask emotions I was feeling but I also over indulged in drinking alcohol to mask those emotions. Now that I have been without both for a while, I have started to slowly get back into all the different situations where I would have traditionally used one or both to help cope with the vastness of the emotions I felt during those situations. It by far has not been easy, especially early on when I could not pin point what those emotions were. I recently started feeling some icky type emotions that I had never pinned down before, because I never sat on them. I always reacted, which typically ended bad for me. Unfortunately, I did not realize this till long after I reacted to a situation in the wrong way. The situations typically involved someone of the opposite gender that I found attractive. The reason I would start getting these icky emotions that I could not pin down was that I was always wondering where things stood in the friendship/relationship, instead of focusing on being in the now. Turns out the emotions I felt were that: I was scared because I was insecure in myself of the person I was suppose to be (what role do I play), I was scared that I was inadequate to this person in ways that were unknown to me (instead of trusting them to tell me), I felt scared I was becoming insignificant to them (even though there were no signs of such), and I was scared because I was confused how to handle it all. Not knowing these emotions led me to eventually ruining it with the person because I started to act like a crazy person. Life is full of complications that we have to either learn to deal with or move on. I am choosing to deal with it and figuring out how to cope with all that comes with it. Life is sure a journey that can be frustrating at times and hard to navigate when there was little guidance as a kid, but hopefully one day I will get a hang of it. So lucky to have great friends that have stuck by me even when I go "crazy".
Mark Fleming- Person on the Autism Spectrum